Let’s get real here…
We all have insecurities.
I don’t know when I started feeling insecure to be honest. Was it at 13, when I started high school and I saw how chic some girls can be on a daily basis? Was it at 17, when I started being active on Instagram and saw perfect girls in their perfect photos with their perfect coffees while giving me a glimpse of their perfect lives? Or was I born insecure?
I sometimes see old photos of myself from years ago and cringe at my clothing choices. Then I’d feel the bitter pang of embarrassment as to why my family let me out the house looking ugly like that. It didn’t help either that as I was growing older, more insecurities were popping out of nowhere like the pimples on my face. Is my nose that small? Why are my pores so big? Why am I not tall? It was an endless array of why this, why that to the point that it was suffocating.
I don’t know at what age I started being insecure. It kind of just snowballed out of the little things that I noticed about myself which then became a massive ball of anxiety and self-doubt. I have a naturally wavy hair so I always have my hair chemically straightened because other girls were doing it. There were times I sacrificed my own comfort just so I’d look fashionable when going out. I even started investing on makeup at 17 and watched about a hundred makeup tutorials on YouTube just so I could look like the girls on magazines. Worse comes to worst, I sometimes skipped on meals and counted calories just so I could lose weight. And because I didn’t know myself enough, little comments about my weight was enough to tear me down for a day.
But really, who am I trying to please here? Was I doing this for myself or for validation from other people?
One of the first things I realised in my journey to self-love is that who I surround myself with has an impact on how I see myself. I was part of a bad crowd back when I just started studying in university and I can totally see now how it affected my life. Although I was not part of other people’s drama, I became so anxious of how other people see me and what their opinion about me is. And because my insecurity was reigning on me back then, I let other people push me around. Moreover, because I wasn’t sure of myself, I dated guys who were equally messed up as I was. YOLO, right?
Was my idea of friendship back then a constant attempt of trying to please people to the point that I’m not being myself any longer?
Self-care goes along well with self-respect. The moment I realised that I was doing myself a disservice by letting other people’s opinion about me control me and affect my everyday life, I started to exclude myself from what I know would hinder my growth as a person. And the more I gave myself the space I needed, the more I became self aware. I realised that I don’t need validation from other people just to know I’m beautiful and even that kind of beauty is only skin deep.
Don’t get me wrong though! Some days, I feel like a beauty queen. Other days, I don’t even want to get out of bed. However, I decided I won’t be a prisoner of my own skull-sized hell. People don’t really care about my actions as much as I think about them. I started taking care of myself for myself rather than being motivated by the amount of likes I’d get on social media if I start to look a certain way.
I’ve learned to appreciate the beauty of other people without comparing it to my own. I’ve learned not to rely on filters or makeup just so I could meet other people’s idea of beauty. And if I decide to do something, it’s because I enjoy doing it and not because it’s what I think other people would like to see from me. I stopped undermining my achievements and over-glorifying other people’s. I am slowly learning to embrace my flaws because once I know myself enough, I won’t be easily swayed by other people’s opinion about me. And if I fall, I won’t stay down. I’ll pick myself up and I’ll rise again.
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